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Cook. Read. Sing. Sleep. I go hard.

Review: Wallbanger by Alice Clayton

Wallbanger CoverTitle: Wallbanger
Author: Alice Clayton
Genre: Contemporary Romance/Humor
Publisher: Omnific Publishing
Rating: 4.5 out of 5

Synopsis:

Caroline Reynolds has a fantastic new apartment in San Francisco, a KitchenAid mixer, and no O (and we’re not talking Oprah here, folks). She has a flourishing design career, an office overlooking the bay, a killer zucchini bread recipe, and no O. She has Clive (the best cat ever), great friends, a great rack, and no O.

Adding insult to O-less, since her move, she has an oversexed neighbor with the loudest late-night wallbanging she’s ever heard. Each moan, spank, and–was that a meow?–punctuates the fact that not only is she losing sleep, she still has, yep, you guessed it, no O.

Enter Simon Parker. (No, really, Simon, please enter.) When the wallbanging threatens to literally bounce her out of bed, Caroline, clad in sexual frustration and a pink baby-doll nightie, confronts her heard-but-never-seen neighbor. Their late-night hallway encounter has, well, mixed results. Ahem. With walls this thin, the tension’s gonna be thick…

In her third novel, Alice Clayton returns to dish her trademark mix of silly and steamy. Banter, barbs, and strutting pussycats, plus the sexiest apple pie ever made, are dunked in a hot tub and set against the gorgeous San Francisco skyline in this hot and hilarious tale of exasperation at first sight.

Review:

Alice Clayton is funny. There’s no other way to put it. She’s funny and she knows it. The last time I laughed out loud from reading a book was when I read The Unidentified Redhead Series by none other than Ms. Clayton herself. So, it shouldn’t have been a big surprise when I started Wallbanger that I’d do the exact same thing.

Wallbanger starts off with a bang. Really. With a title like that, were you expecting anything else? You see, new tenant Caroline and her cat, Clive, are awakened on their first night by her neighbor who is apparently hell bent on affixing his coital partner to the wall. He’s just banging away and we are informally introduced to our demolition man via his partner’s encouraging words:

“Oh, Simon, that’s so good! Mmm…”

Ah, yes, Simon. That is so good. Not only do we find out about Simon, who I call The Vagina Whisperer, but we also learn that Caroline has lost her orgasm, O. It’s at this point that I’m thinking that when one door closes, there’s a wallbanger that’ll knock it down. By the time you’ve read the first page of the book, you know what’s going to happen eventually. You just don’t know when. Just like life, the journey is the best part.

The cast of supporting characters includes Mimi and Sophia, Caroline’s best friends. Thru them, we talk to Caroline. They say to her what I was thinking. Truthfully, if you lived next door to a gorgeous man who could make a woman meow (MEOW!) when having sex and you hadn’t had an orgasm in over six months, do you think your friends may wonder why you’re not testing out that specimen. No? Oh. Okay. Moving on… I really enjoyed the fact that the interactions between the three friends resemble real conversations that I’ve had with my girlfriends. They are protective over each other, but at the same time are willing to poke fun at each other.

Clive the cat provides the most hilarious scenes in the book. Having cats for most of my life, I know exactly what Ms. Clayton is describing when Clive gives disapproving looks to Caroline. Just like Caroline, I too believe that my cat has given me the middle finger a time or two. One scene in particular involving Simon and Clive had me in tears. I can’t even think about it now without stopping for a hearty chuckle. He will definitely be one of your favorite characters while reading. I’m secretly hoping that he’ll have his own short story or novella. I’m talking to you, Alice. Make it happen.

Simon. He’s not dark and brooding. He’s not an ass. He’s kind of regular. No, I’ll take that back. He’s a baked goods loving, eight pack having, always hard, joking around, photograph taking, vagina whisperer. I suppose his only flaw would be the trio of bedroom playmates that Caroline refers to as his “harem.” This is the tricky part about Simon and the novel. Should we take him as being an expert lover or a man whore? Clayton explains his randy ways and it pretty much settled the argument for me. Simon is a good guy. He’s sweet and caring. He’s always hard. I like him.

What I like about Caroline in the book is that she’s not a damsel in distress. She can take care of herself and is sure to let Simon know that. She’s self sufficient, funny, smart, and confident enough to vacation on her own. This is what I like about Clayton’s characters. They don’t need love or a lover. They are successful on their own, but they choose to have another person in their life. Caroline isn’t looking for a man to give her an orgasm. She isn’t out on the hunt like Elmer Fudd hunting orgasm. She’s got it together. Sort of.

The entire book is spent waiting on Simon and Caroline to hook it up. There were so many times I thought it was going to happen. At one point, I started thrusting my hips in the air and laughing maniacally due to the anticipation. Did I mention that Simon made a woman meow? I could only hope for something as deliciously hilarious to come from Caroline during the throes of passion. However, Ms. Clayton makes us wait. What fun would it be in giving us what we want right away?

Alice Clayton can write sex. Not just any sex. Sex that is so funny and so good that you want to take out your tambourine and shake it like you’re in church. I may or may not have done that. (Please don’t ask why I may or may not have a tambourine in my bedroom.) The wait was worth it. Oh, so worth it. Simon has the moves. Simon says the right things. He even said the p-word! You know, the P-WORD ! And it was done perfectly. That is no easy feat to weave that in and it be sexy for me, but Simon did it. Even Caroline agrees:

There are certain things a woman needs to hear at different times in her life:
You got the job.
Your ass looks great in that skirt.
I would love to meet your mother.
And when used in the just the right context, in just the right setting, sometimes, a woman
needs to hear the P-word.

Having sex with Simon – I mean – Caroline having sex with Simon is like a live action version of Def Leppard’s “Pour Some Sugar on Me.” I’ve never wanted to bake a pie so much in my LIFE! SWEET BEEGEEBUS! Sex with Simon is like eating Pringles. Once you pop, you can’t stop. And stop they did not. As I was reading, I didn’t know how either of the characters would be able to walk after so much sex, but Clayton sorted that out. They couldn’t walk.

Clayton pokes fun at other romance novels in Wallbanger. Yes, some of the concepts have been done before and overused. Although the concepts were still there, I believe they were treated with Clayton’s tongue firmly planted in her cheek. This is why I like her novel. She actually mentions it in her book. Is it plausible that a group of three female friends can fall for a another group of three male friends and live happily ever after? Not likely unless you’re in a romance novel. Can you go at it all night light rabbits and never tire? Sure, if you’re in a romance novel. Can you eat copious amounts of baked goods and still have an eight pack and a V? Probably not unless you’re the male love interest in a romance novel. Will you instantly get your orgasm back after having sex with a man that can make a woman meow? You’ll just have to read the novel to find that out.

If you liked The Unidentified Redhead Series, the movie Bridesmaids, or the show Happy Endings, you may like this book.

* Previously posted on Literati Literature Lovers

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